Behind Closed Doors

Locked In

2005-04-05T09:30:00.000-07:00

An emptiness that locks me in
The dungeon of hope and despair
Can I cling to my pride-my salvation?
In love and war, is it really fair?

Wicked

2005-04-04T00:30:00.000-07:00

Agitated,
Now so slow
For the tenth time,
I remain here.
I remain cuddled up in my
Fragile bones.
So scared to float
What is it in the structure
Built in with trickery,
Lies and sovereignty?
While all fuzzled
Strength withdrawn
With nothin' to fight on.

Frustratingly mad
What more from the shadows
The screeching voice irks to release
A sweet vengeful outburst
Release of gorgeous agony
Seeping from inside me
Veins within are all broken
Madly, wonderfully laden
Wait until complete silence
Covers the earth,
My dry, sullen earth...

From Where I Belong

2005-04-03T22:00:00.000-07:00

This ambivalent place is keeping me unsafe
From where I peeked at a hole into.
The footsteps behind are keeping me at pace
Finally probing the mysteru in your kind, gentle face.

Am I a part of you as you are a part of me?
Then where are these angry whispers comin' from?
From where I peeked at a hole into,
I discovered fragments of the person I'm see in you.

In time, the angels might carry their own wings
The sky will have closed its doors of heavenly surge.
And I, I will have remained unhinged too
From where I peeked at a hole into.

So far from mine own hopes and dreams
So far from the place of flowing rivers and streams
You tell me what my heart song is
From where I belong, I will reveal this.

But If These Dreams Continue to Haunt Me

2005-04-02T22:50:00.000-08:00

written last February 27th of the year 2000

Because these dreams continue to haunt me
Old faded mem'ries become crystal magic
Clear as the water in the flowing river
As the hand that rocks the cradle
Surfaced with a cold shiver

It was once more as it was before
That same eerie feeling I was
Unconsciously concealing
And I was wishing it could only be a dream
A dream of goblins, monsters and vampyrs in the night

That had me running frantically towards the light
Searching for safety
For a place to hide away my fears
And uncontrollably drown my tears.

May these dreams continue to haunt me then
So that when I wake up (when I open my eyes),
I'd assure myself that I was only having a nightmare
I'd be prepared to tell myself lies--anything
Anything at all that I could do to protect myself

To comfort thine own vulnerability
From the harm that the truth can inflict upon me
It hurts so much to see reality as something
That is too far from me, something I can never touch,
So it seems, nor have a glimpse.

I am afraid now, though
I am scared as hell that I
Would never have the chance
One last chance to be the person I want to be
If these dreams continue to haunt me...

A Mother's Plea

2005-04-01T04:00:00.000-08:00

written last February 11th of the year 2000

I have tried to be as patient as can be
With you drawing out everything from me
I have watched you come and go as you please
Never did you once beg on your knees.

I never did deprive you of anything
You had been given more than everything
With the smell of freedom you grabbed instantly
Never did you once looked back at me.

I had thought it was the right thing to do
I never thought of what it would do to you
But if I had only known sooner,
I would have loved you a little bit earlier.

I never did complain to anyone at all
Having to be always there whenever you fall
Your bitterness have not yet subsided
And I have yet to let it pass undecided.

I have tried to understand your situation
Since it was someone else who held my obligation
You constantly remind me of this memory
As though you delight in seeing me lonely.

I never wanted any of this
I only wished to make up and kiss
Is it really that hard on your part,
To find me a place somewhere in your heart?

On the Wrong Side

2005-03-31T18:30:00.000-08:00

At the top of the cliff, I'd climb and jump off
I'd slide down the railings and fly off
I'd glide and clip my wings off
I'd ride and throw myself off

I'd hidden and I'd died
'Cause I've been on the wrong side
after all...

Patiently

2005-03-30T13:50:00.000-08:00

you ask me to try to understand you
never have time to talk it over with you
always busy with work and I feel pushed aside

'cause everytime I call you up
you'd always put me on hold
like I'm always put on a pedestal
that's what you do to me, you see

I'm not crazy bout the idea
of you expecting me to be always around
don't take me for granted
'cause I won't be patiently hangin' round
still waitin' for you...

Sinking In

2005-03-29T13:00:00.000-08:00

I've never given up on you
Nor do I intend to
But apart from it all
I find myself sinking in

You have become a part of me
So suddenly
And I am so scared
of what this might lead to.

I fear for myself because
Loving means giving you the power to hurt me
I'm afraid that you will do more
than hurt me...

Unfair Trial

2005-03-28T09:55:00.000-08:00

Don't give me that runaway smile.
Don't give me that turnabout trial.

I'm not about to give up without a fight
but if that's the way you want things to be
Then let the tide bring us to a now used-to-be
For I can't hang on if you keep out of sight.

I'm not about ready to get over this
but if that's the way you want me to do
Then let pride take the whole lot of you
For I can't move on if it's you that I still miss.

Don't dare make it all up to me to decide.
Don't dare make it all seem like you tried.

All in Vain

2005-03-27T15:50:00.000-08:00

tough break
waiting on the line
waiting for it to ache
tough time

Curses and Lies

2005-03-26T10:30:00.000-08:00

Down the drain,
it was sucked--
and chewed;
and spitted.

Blood stains left my mouth sore and dry.
Unable to stop myself from screaming;
Lost control and I found myself cussing.
I can feel myself slowly dying all over again.

Never want to hear one word from you
All you have me listen to is one hell of accusations
With your need to have someone attend to your frustrations
Estranged, battered, restrained within the whole of you.

I'd rather have every breath of my life
snuffed out of me in an instant
Than have to go on living
in a messed up world.

I'd rather have you inflict upon me
every physical pain ever heard of
Than have to go on bearing
your constant bickering--

That I'm so damn
sick and tired of...

Four Wheels

2005-03-25T15:30:00.000-08:00

Get in beside me;
The driver's seat is where I be
We'll go at top speed
A hundred thirty five kilometers per hour.

We'll never have to bother
Getting all worked up over nothin'
For inside my glistening red four wheels
I feel my freedom comin'.

I press the gas pedal braving;
Unforeseen troubles and risks ahead.
I am in control;
Daring to be in control...

Sickening

2005-03-24T13:00:00.000-08:00

i think i ate too much
or too little
whichever is the case
i don't really care
not that it matters
when all that you should
be concerned 'bout
is that i'm 'bout to vomit
i'll puke all over you
if i have to
and you don't have to order
me 'round anymore
i might have dropped that liberty
into your hands foolishly
but right 'bout now
if i have to strangle your neck
just to loosen the ties--
i will...

for all i've ever become is a wreck
since the day i was blinded
not to see how sickening it is
to have offered you too much
out of everything there is
and to have vomitted too much
from everything there isn't.

At Random

2005-03-23T17:00:00.000-08:00

take
a peek inside
make a hush
sound

take a quick look
now
make a sudden
trance

awaken a sleeping
thought
drag me away from
here
let me sleep safely
tonight
keep me from my emptied
vessel

arouse in me a
tempting urge
throw the buckets of
mud
tempt me to step upon
them
once more I quiver
from the taste

Out for a Walk

2005-03-22T11:00:00.000-08:00

walk behind me...
and travel the depths of my frailty

walk around me...
and seep through the drops of red

walk beneath me...
and crawl on the ground seated dirt

walk beside me...
and weep along with the slow earth tunes

walk out of the grave I come out
from

walk with the hands of time
stringing by

walk at the withered petals strewn
across

walk after the hours, minutes,
seconds gone by...

walk not
after me--

walk
with me...

Shudder

2005-03-21T08:50:00.000-08:00

I'm at a loss for words
I'm clueless and
naive
The tears on the edge of my eyes
About to fall anytime
Always on
the brink
And I have been looking for ways
Continuously hoping I could
stop
Not to think

I fear that I'm losing you
I shudder at
the thought
That at any moment I could
Lose Myself
In You
But I
shudder even more
at the mere thought
That at any moment
I
could
Lose You...

And that fear inside me is slowly building
up
Knowing that holding on to you tight
is Not a Right that I've been
liberally given
Cornered in a dark alley
Unable to make sense
Out of
all of these
Mind games working overtime
Desperately
trying

I fear that I might lose you
I shudder at the very
thought
Any second now I too might be gone
For so long now
I have been
out of touch-
Longing for you
But I have always been anticipating,
And
constantly waiting
For You
For so long now...

Sore Eyes

2005-03-20T23:00:00.000-08:00

hand over here my fate deserting
the crumbs lying carelessly frozen
pieces from a loaf of whole wheat
ages forgotten but a miracle for the hungry

mercy for the owner of bare feet
marked footprints on wet cement
a sumptuous feast laid upon a filled table
a sight for sore eyes indeed

music resounding but they can't hear

under my breath silently cursing...

I Wish You'd Stay

2005-03-08T09:00:00.000-08:00

When I was at my worst
and you were there;
I could only hope you'd stay.

When tears clouded my eyes
and you dried them;
I could only wish you'd stay.

When shadows darkened my day
and you brightened it;
I could only pray you'd stay.

I could only say "Thank You"
whenever you're there for me...

Final Hour

2005-03-03T15:30:00.000-08:00

Lost the will to fight
I just can't anymore figure what's right
This time I have to surrender
'Cause I lost that sense of Self inside.

I let myself try to fake it
But I just can't anymore hide
Forsake it
for I am sunken low and jaded.

Lower buried to the ground
Remaining still as I'm carried to the final hour
Waiting to be called out from this asunder
Swaying back and forth, I falter.

Rain of Ashes

2005-03-01T21:00:00.000-08:00

chain of surprises
acts of courage
unrelented passion
love went discouraged

scourge afflicting
she stepped to the plate
sighing cluelessly
love's in a troubled state

Running in Circles

2005-02-15T14:30:00.000-08:00

I gasped for air.

Catching my breath,

I slowed my pace.

Followed the trace

of footsteps left behind.

Still walking around,

headed nowhere.

I swallowed the bitterpill,

forced down my throat.

Squeezing with all force,

you had me choking.

You looked down on me,

while nervously laughing.

And I was dumbstruck,

Still figuring out the so many ways

You've left me,

gasping for air...

Longer

2005-02-14T13:30:00.000-08:00

I do not want to remain here
But I do not want to go anywhere
When anywhere could just be another nowhere
And I'm desperate to run away.

I dare not hold my breath
Nor go back to where I started
When all has been said
But all hasn't yet been done.

To stand upon the words
I keep hearing you say repeatedly
That you never did prove
Nor show yourself to me completely.

And you've been running from the feelings
You're afraid to face that you have for me after all
But still my "running" after you had served me nothing
Out of everything I have been hoping for.

Futility has marked an ending.
It is over--
I do not wish to remain here
Any longer...

Escape

2004-12-17T03:00:00.000-08:00

can't sleep...

no matter how my eyes droop
to signal tiredness,
restlessness,
the numbing ache

swallow drugs for medication
burning the throat
temporary relief
breaking all defenses

for this uncanny disturbance
has sour consequences
awaiting this vile abode
unsure of drinking in

arrest foreclosure.
like poison.
powdered and grinded.
weakening.

fleeing to rest upon any soul
that cries to retreat
depressingly willing
embrace the escape

Perturbed

2004-12-11T01:00:00.000-08:00

I must not conceal what I need
not feel
I'm faced with a
question
To which an answer is not
required
Impertinent reasons
Justifications to remain as bold as
ever
Resolution is lurking
somewhere
'round the corner...

Asylum

2004-11-11T05:00:00.000-08:00

give me something else to figure out. something else to work my own way out. 'cause you're about to wake me up. and you're about to help me up.

but I DON'T want you to.

i detest this mess. i won't take a second guess. you deliberately led me into this quest. and you keep shoving it in my face. that i, i miserably failed your test.

i don't easily cave in. but now i don't care if i don't win. can't take this anymore. please, oh please. lead me straight out of this four cornered walls.

give me something else to worry about. something else to think more about. 'cause i'm about to step out. and i'm about to fade out.

but I DON'T want to.

Taken Apart

2001-12-31T22:30:00.000-08:00

You took away
I don't understand this
Now I would just numb myself
Uncertain of what this really is
That makes me Wanting
and Unwanting
When you took away everything.

Not supposed to blame anybody
But how am I to survive without
somebody?
To hold on to when I'm feeling
scared
Of what's to come on the morrow
All drowning in sorrow
When you took away everything
I wonder
Did you even care?

I'm really going crazy here
And I'm desperate to hear
What you have to say to all of these
Things that I now miss
Why do you have to do this?

Awaken

2001-12-26T04:00:00.000-08:00

I never know how dreaming ends
When I sleep, it feels warm breathing again...
And I don't ever want to wake up
Before nightmare starts living in on me again...

For All You Know

2000-02-10T18:50:00.000-08:00

It's been months since I last wept
It was a promise I solemnly kept
But I still can't forget that day in spring
When I had to conjure a playful acting
A facade I had needed worn
To hide my feelings of shame and scorn.

It's been months since I last saw you
And I thought I really knew
I've known you enough to know the truth
But it wasn't enough to bear the fruit
Of the love I thought we shared together
Of the dream I thought would last forever.

It's been days, weeks and months ago.
It's all I can think about,
For all you know...

If I Could

2000-02-09T21:00:00.000-08:00

Sometimes when I gaze outside the window
I think of things to come and then I know
This feeling will always remain
Forever locked up inside
And then I feel the pain.
I feel it once more.
And once again, there'd be no way out
Turning everything upside down and all around
I know what this is all about
But I don't know if I could live without seeing
The hope in your eyes awaiting the sunrise
If you could only teach me how and
If I could only learn somehow
Then perhaps there would be no night
That I would be fighting tears with all my might
And I would again be gazing outside
But this time, I would be feeling alright...

One Night

2000-02-07T19:30:00.000-08:00

For a moment there I thought
You had somethin' to say
It was an act I bought
It was the very same day
I was hoping for a miracle
And you passed by
As soon as I ended my prayer
And I began to cry with tears of joy
For you ended my anger
I assumed you felt it too
That I almost threw myself at you
Maybe, you were right...
I had you dressed up as a knight
A knight in shining armor
For just one night...

I wasn't really holding you tight
I'm sorry I loved you
For just one night...

At A Loss

2000-02-05T12:00:00.000-08:00

There are some things in my life
I would choose to forget
Those are the times I foolishly regret
That I'd rather not let it happen
That I'd rather not again be mistaken
Wishing for once I wouldn't remember
Having sworn I'd love you over and over...